One day in an elementary school in Columbia, SC, a teacher asks her class if the South Carolina Gamecocks are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, \"What\'s your favorite football team Jimmy?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"The Clemson Tigers \"

The teacher asks, \"Well, why is that?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan.\"

The teacher angered by his reply says, \"If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"Well, I guess that would make me a South Carolina fan.\"

______________________________

Q: What do South Carolina and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

______________________________

Steve Spurrier, the South Carolina Gamecocks\'s football coach, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around when they came to a modest little house with a faded Gamecocks flag in the window.

\"This house is yours for eternity,\" said God. \"This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here.\"

The coach felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion that had a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Clemson Tigers flag, and in every window was the Clemson logo.

The coach looked at God and said, \"God, I\'m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach. I went to bowl games, sent a bunch of my players on to the pros, and I turned around the entire South Carolina football program.\"

God said, \"So, what\'s your question?\"

\"Well,\" said the coach, \"why does Tommy Bowden get a better house than me?\"

God responded, \"That\'s not Tommy Bowden\'s house, it\'s mine.\"

______________________________

One foggy night, a Clemson fan and a South Carolina fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Clemson. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The South Carolina fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, \"Man, I\'m lucky to be alive!\"

Likewise, the Tiger fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The South Carolina fan walks over to the Tiger fan and says, \"Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.\"

The Tiger fan thinks for a moment and says, \"You know, you\'re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I\'m going to see if something else survived the wreck.\"

The Tiger fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel\'s. He says to the Gamecock fan, \"I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship.\" The Gamecock fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After ****ing down half of the bottle, the Gamecock fan hands it back to the Tiger fan and says, \"Your turn!\"

The Tiger fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, \"Nah, I think I\'ll just wait for the cops to show up.\"

______________________________

Q: How many South Carolina fans does it take to ***** in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

______________________________

Q: What\'s the difference between a South Carolina fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum ****er, and the other is a fish.

______________________________

Q: What\'s the hardest thing about being a South Carolina Gamecock fan?

A: Telling your parents that you\'re gay.

______________________________

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of South Carolina campus. That\'s the last place you would find a football player.

______________________________

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of South Carolina weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

______________________________

Q: Why don\'t South Carolina Gamecocks fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

______________________________

A South Carolina Gamecocks fan walks into a doctor\'s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, \"How can I help you?\" The frog replies, \"I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.\"

______________________________

Q: Did you hear about the University of South Carolina fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn\'t get his family out.

______________________________

Q: Why do University of South Carolina fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

______________________________

Two University of South Carolina fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first South Carolina fan says to the second, \"Boy, I wish I could do that.\"

The second South Carolina fan replies, \"Yeah, me too. But I wouldn\'t try it.\"

The first South Carolina fan asks, \"Why not?\"

The second South Carolina fan replies, \"Because I\'m afraid the dog might bite me.\"

______________________________

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: A visitor.

______________________________

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Carolina library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

______________________________

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the University of South Carolina\'s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn\'t been colored yet.

______________________________

Q: Do you know why the University of South Carolina football team should change its name to the \"Opossums\"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

______________________________

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: The officials had to check ID\'s before letting any of the Gamecocks cheerleaders back on board.

______________________________

Q: What does the average University of South Carolina student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

______________________________

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the South Carolina Gamecocks?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

______________________________

Q: What should you do if you find three University of South Carolina fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.
______________________________

Q: How do you make University of South Carolina cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

______________________________

Q: What do you get when you cross University of South Carolina fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There\'s some things that a pig will not do.

______________________________

Q: How many University of South Carolina freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it\'s a sophomore course.

______________________________

Columbia News Report: Football practice in Columbia was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Steve Spurrier, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

______________________________

Q. What did the South Carolina graduate say to the Clemson graduate?

A. \"Welcome to McDonald\'s. May I take your order, please?\"

______________________________

Did you hear about the Gamecock fan who was so upset that the Tigers beat South Carolina that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

______________________________

It was reported that South Carolina head football coach Steve Spurrier will only be dressing twenty players for the Clemson game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

______________________________

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, \"Wanna hear a good South Carolina joke?\"

The guy next to him replies, \"Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I\'m 6\' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a South Carolina grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6\' 2\" tall, weighs 225, and he\'s a South Carolina grad. And the fella next to him is 6\' 5\" tall, weighs 250, and he\'s a South Carolina grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?\"

The first guy says, \"No, not if I\'m gonna have to explain it three times.\"

· A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

· Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

· Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

· Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

· Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

· Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

· If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

· Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

· Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

· The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

· Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

· Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

· Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

· Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

· Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

· If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

· Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

· The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.

· I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong.

· Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream.

· The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?

· When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

· When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; but different.

· It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

· A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.(Gloria Steinem)

· Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

· Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

· Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

· Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

· Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcoming, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's charachters.

· When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

· A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery

· Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths.

· The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

· Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.

· The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love; which includes not only others but ourselves as well.

· If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question!