One day in an elementary school in Columbia, SC, a teacher asks her class if the South Carolina Gamecocks are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, \"What\'s your favorite football team Jimmy?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"The Clemson Tigers \"

The teacher asks, \"Well, why is that?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan.\"

The teacher angered by his reply says, \"If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?\"

Little Jimmy says, \"Well, I guess that would make me a South Carolina fan.\"

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Q: What do South Carolina and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

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Steve Spurrier, the South Carolina Gamecocks\'s football coach, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around when they came to a modest little house with a faded Gamecocks flag in the window.

\"This house is yours for eternity,\" said God. \"This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here.\"

The coach felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion that had a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Clemson Tigers flag, and in every window was the Clemson logo.

The coach looked at God and said, \"God, I\'m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach. I went to bowl games, sent a bunch of my players on to the pros, and I turned around the entire South Carolina football program.\"

God said, \"So, what\'s your question?\"

\"Well,\" said the coach, \"why does Tommy Bowden get a better house than me?\"

God responded, \"That\'s not Tommy Bowden\'s house, it\'s mine.\"

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One foggy night, a Clemson fan and a South Carolina fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Clemson. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The South Carolina fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, \"Man, I\'m lucky to be alive!\"

Likewise, the Tiger fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The South Carolina fan walks over to the Tiger fan and says, \"Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.\"

The Tiger fan thinks for a moment and says, \"You know, you\'re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I\'m going to see if something else survived the wreck.\"

The Tiger fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel\'s. He says to the Gamecock fan, \"I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship.\" The Gamecock fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After ****ing down half of the bottle, the Gamecock fan hands it back to the Tiger fan and says, \"Your turn!\"

The Tiger fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, \"Nah, I think I\'ll just wait for the cops to show up.\"

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Q: How many South Carolina fans does it take to ***** in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

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Q: What\'s the difference between a South Carolina fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum ****er, and the other is a fish.

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Q: What\'s the hardest thing about being a South Carolina Gamecock fan?

A: Telling your parents that you\'re gay.

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Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of South Carolina campus. That\'s the last place you would find a football player.

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Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of South Carolina weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

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Q: Why don\'t South Carolina Gamecocks fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

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A South Carolina Gamecocks fan walks into a doctor\'s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, \"How can I help you?\" The frog replies, \"I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.\"

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Q: Did you hear about the University of South Carolina fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn\'t get his family out.

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Q: Why do University of South Carolina fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

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Two University of South Carolina fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first South Carolina fan says to the second, \"Boy, I wish I could do that.\"

The second South Carolina fan replies, \"Yeah, me too. But I wouldn\'t try it.\"

The first South Carolina fan asks, \"Why not?\"

The second South Carolina fan replies, \"Because I\'m afraid the dog might bite me.\"

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Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: A visitor.

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Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Carolina library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

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Q: Did you hear about the fire in the University of South Carolina\'s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn\'t been colored yet.

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Q: Do you know why the University of South Carolina football team should change its name to the \"Opossums\"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: The officials had to check ID\'s before letting any of the Gamecocks cheerleaders back on board.

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Q: What does the average University of South Carolina student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

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Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the South Carolina Gamecocks?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

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Q: What should you do if you find three University of South Carolina fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.
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Q: How do you make University of South Carolina cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

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Q: What do you get when you cross University of South Carolina fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There\'s some things that a pig will not do.

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Q: How many University of South Carolina freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it\'s a sophomore course.

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Columbia News Report: Football practice in Columbia was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Steve Spurrier, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

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Q. What did the South Carolina graduate say to the Clemson graduate?

A. \"Welcome to McDonald\'s. May I take your order, please?\"

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Did you hear about the Gamecock fan who was so upset that the Tigers beat South Carolina that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

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It was reported that South Carolina head football coach Steve Spurrier will only be dressing twenty players for the Clemson game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, \"Wanna hear a good South Carolina joke?\"

The guy next to him replies, \"Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I\'m 6\' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a South Carolina grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6\' 2\" tall, weighs 225, and he\'s a South Carolina grad. And the fella next to him is 6\' 5\" tall, weighs 250, and he\'s a South Carolina grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?\"

The first guy says, \"No, not if I\'m gonna have to explain it three times.\"

The First Law of EMS

All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.

Corollary 2: Always order food 'to go.'

The Paramedical Law of ABC's:

Ambulate Before Carry

The Paramedical Laws of Time:

1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.

2. Given the following equation: T + 1 minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. i.e.; If you are supposed to get off shift at 1900, your last run will come in at 1859.

The Paramedical Law of Gravity:

Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Paramedical Law of Inerita:

Patients that are in motion, tend to stay in motion.

Corollary 1: This goes double near hills and staircases.

The Paramedical Law of Time and Distance:

The distance of the call form the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases

Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.

The Paramedical Rule of Random Simultaneity:

Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Rule of Respiratory Arrest:

All patients, for whom mouth-to-mouth resuscitation must be provided, will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, which was washed down with at least three cans of beer.

The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:

Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove assumption.

The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:

Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove assumption.

The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:

If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking; somebody is still missing.

The Law of Options:

Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital probably knows your driver.

The First Rule of Equipment:

Any piece of life-saving equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a) You need it to save a life, or B) The salesman leaves.

The Second Rule of Equipment:

Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't.

The First Law of Ambulance Driving:

No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, unless you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast.

Paramedical Rules of the Bathroom:

1. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.

2. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.

3. If you have just not gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it.

The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.

Basic Assumption about Dispatchers:

Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.

Corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a dispatcher.

Corollary 2: Any street designated as a "Cross-street' by a dispatcher probably isn't.

Corollary 3: If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

Corollary 4: If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

Corollary 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field' is now covered by a shopping center.

The First Principle of Triage:

In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patent is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Rule:

Any injury, at which the sight of makes you sick, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.

The Rule of Funding and Donations:

funding and donations are received in amounts which are inversely proportional to need.

The First Law of EMS Supervisors:

Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care; where "X' is the care you render

and 'Y' is the assistance supplied by the supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y'

from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by 'X.'

Corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the field.

Corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The Law of Protocol Directives:

The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight' and flow rates as 'Hogsheads per Hour."

Corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

Corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.

The Law of EMS Educator:

Those who can't do, teach.

The Law of EMS Evaluators:

Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.

The Paramedical Law of Light:

As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Paramedical Law of Space:

The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is actually available to work on that patient

The Paramedical Theory of Relativity:

The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding and given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of that patient's illness or injury.

The Paramedical Theory of Weight

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken and the Lights in the stairwell are out.

The Rules of No Transport:

1. A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of the patient whom you have just advised to go to the hospital in a

private vehicle.

2. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial

approaches.

3. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

The First Rule Of Bystanders:

Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second Rule Of Bystanders:

Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, unless proven otherwise.

Corollary 1: NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist.

The Rule of Warning Devices:

Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.

Corollary 1: Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but transient,deafness.

Corollary 2: Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but transient,blindness.

Note: This rule does not apply in Massachusetts, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.

The Law of Show-and-Tell:

A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

Corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the ambulance and playing with the equipment.

Corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it did to get them in.

Corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.

The Rule of Rookies:

The true value of any rookie EMT or Driver, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of the number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from I to I 0.

For rookie EMT'S: I = Certified Health Hazard, I 0 = Member, ACEP For rookie Drivers: I = Obstruction to Navigation, 1 0 = Mario Andretti The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self assigned value.

Corollary 1: Treat any rookie EMT or Driver assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See the First Rule of Bystanders, above.)

The Law of sex on the Job:

Anytime you engage in sex on the job you WILL have an alarm.

Corollary 1: If you do not have an alarm, you will get caught by a supervisor.

Corollary 2: If you don't get caught by a supervisor you will leave a clue that he/she will find (no matter how well you clean up).

The Rules of Distance

The distance you have to travel to a call is in direct proportion to the seriousness of the call.

The Rules of Proximates

The closer the call, the more ridiculous the call is.

The Rule of Rules:

As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.

* ABC - Airway, Bury 'em, Call the florist (If you don't do the first, you WILL be doing the other two)

* ABC - Airway, Billing, Collections

* ADASTW - Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way

* AHF - Acute Hissy Fit

*ALS -Absolute Loss of Sense

* AMF-YOYO - Adios Mother F*****, You're On Your Own

* AQR - Ain't Quite Right

* ART - Assuming Room Temperature

* BART - Body Assuming Room Temperature

* BMW - B****, Moan, Whine

* CATS - Cut All To S***

* CC - Cancel Christmas

* CCFCCP - Coo Coo For Cocoa Puffs

* CHAOS - Chief Has Arrived On Scene

* CPR - Can't Possibly Recover

* CPR - Check Pockets and Run

* CTD - Circling The Drain

* DFO - Done Fell Out

* DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F***

* DOB - Dead On Bed

* DOG - Dead On Ground

* DND - Darn Near Dead

* DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome

* DRTY - Dead Right There...Yesterday

* DWPA - Dead With Paramedic Assistance

* EMS - Early Morning Shuttle

* EMS - Earn Money Sleeping

* EMS - Extra Marital Sex

* EMT - Empty Minded Troll

* EMT - Every Menial Task

* EMT - Eggcrate Mattress Technician

* EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies

* EMT - Emergency Medical Taxi

* EMT - Extra Man on Truck
* FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way

* FOGD - Found On Ground Dead

* FTD - Fixin' To Die

* FUB - Found Under Bridge

* FUC - Found Under Car

* GMC - Groan, Moan, Complain

* GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed

* HIBGIA - Had It Before, Got It Again

* HVLT - High Velocity Lead Therapy
* KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid

* LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady Fall Down, Go Boom

* LOLFOL - Little Old Lady Fell On Floor

* LOLLOL - Little Old Lady Laying On Linoleum

* LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Apparent Distress

* MAD - Met At Door

* MARS - Met At Road with Suitcase

* MUH - Messed Up Heart
* NLPR - No Longer Playing Records

* PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside

* PBS - Pretty Bad Shape

* PCL - Pre Code Looking

* PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (through the windshield)

* PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic

* PSO - Passed Smooth Out

* PUHA - Pick Up, Haul Ass

* RTC - Ready To Croak

* SIO - Sleeping It Off

* SPW - Sucking Pond Water
* TADB - Temporarily Animated Dead Body

* TBC - Total Body Crunch

* TLC - Tube, Lavage, Charcoal

* TLC - Thorazine, Lorazepam, Compazine

* TMB - Too Many Birthdays

* TSL - Too Stupid to Live

* WABC - Wallet, Airway, Breathing, Circulation

* WADAO - Weak And Dizzy All Over

* WUD - Woke Up Dead
* BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again

* ODTAA - One D*** Thing After Another

* NPS - New Parent Syndrome

* SNAFU - Situation Normal, All F***** Up

* TARFU - Things Are Really F***** Up

*PUD- Pushing Up Daisies

*ART- Assuming Room Temperature

*ABC- Ambulate before carry

*EDP- Emotionally Disturbed person

*DWE- Driving while Elderly

*PITA- Pain In The Ass

*DBPA- Death By Paramedic Assistance

*LPN- Little pretend nurse

EMS : Eat More Snacks

EMS : Every Marriage Suffers

EMS : Eat More S**t - if you always eat at Fast Food Joints

EMS : Earn Money Suffering

ALSOB : Alcohol Like Substance On Breath

GOMA : Get out of my ambulance

GOMER : Get out of my E.R.

SPODA : stuff that ain't spoda be there

MUH : messed up heart

PBS : pretty bad shape

PCL : pre-code looking

HIBGIA : had it before, got it again

FLB : Funny Little Beat - Term used by mostly non-ACLS-Qualified individuals to define something they do not recognize on the monitor (a-fib, multifocal PVC's, motion artifact)
ACR- Another Court Report

AIDS - Ambulance Induced Divorce Syndrome

ALS- Another Life Saved

ALS - Another Life Stilled

ALS - Ain't Liftin' S***

BLS- Bring Long Splints

BLS - Be Liftin' :censored::censored::censored::censored:

BVM- Big Vomit Magnet

DCAP-BTLS - Disheartened Crazy Ambulance Paramedic Broke Trainees Lumbar Spine

EMS- Every Min Sucks

EMT- Emergency Moron Tech

EMT-D - Every Menial Task Dips***

EMT-P - Every Menial Task w/Privileges

ETI - Enough Talking, Insert

NREMT- Never Remembered Every Menial Task

NREMT-B - Never Really Exciting, Maybe Trucking's Better

OPQRST - Omniscient Paramedic Quickly Reinserted Shifted Tube

SAMPLE - Summoned Ambulance, My Prescription Lapsed Earlier
ABC - Ambulance Before Cruiser (at least, from PD point of view)
DFO - Done Fell Out

EMD - Early Morning Discovery (woke up dead)

TVR - CPR performed on television, usually involves improper technique and miraculous results

B.L.E.V.E - Blast Levels Everything, Volunteers Everywhere